Gone
by Leap of fate
Summary: Set after X2, POV's from each of the X-Men, how losing Jean has affected them, and their thoughts on past and future. *Chapter 2 Uploaded* Logan's POV, losing Jean, and coming to terms with the past, in the form of a letter.
1. Scott: Gone

Gone 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything X-Men shaped, they belong to Marvel etc, I'm just borrowing them for the purposes of this lil ficcy.

AN: After seeing X2 I couldn't help but write something from Cyclops' POV, I would've posted this sooner but my laptop went kablammy, I hope this doesn't look like I'm copying anyone else as I've had this in my mind ever since seeing X2 on Thursday night. 

Summary: Cyclops' POV after X2, his thoughts, feelings, and life after Jean. It'll also contain a little conversation between Scott and Logan, and hopefully get them to some sorta understanding. It's very fluffy, sappy and pathetic to start with really, and considering I don't like Jean or Wolverine I was kinda surprised when I wrote this, but it's kinda something to get my creative juices flowing back for X-Men stories, it'll be standalone but hopefully will inspire me to write more X-men fics soon, as I kinda left my other ones unfinished so I hope to get back with those. Anyway, thanks for coming to read, please review, don't be too harsh, I'm _very _outta practise, and enjoy!

*

I've been sitting here  
Can't get you off my mind  
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong  
I've drove myself insane  
Wishing I could touch your face  
But the truth remains…  
  
You're gone

N* Sync- Gone

*

She's gone… I still can't believe it. She was my life, my spirit, my everything, and now I have nothing. No-one expects me to be the leader, keep a stiff upper lip and brave façade up, but in truth it's the only thing that gets me through the day. If I let myself feel- let myself cry, I don't think I'd ever be able to stop.

They are all full of sympathy of course, Jean touched everyone, you couldn't help but let her into your heart. But they will never fully understand, and I know its selfish of me to say this but it's true, no matter how much they want to, they didn't know her quite like I did, so intimately, so personally. I can't hold it against them all of course, but saying they know how I feel seems so insulting. How can they possibly know? Did they share a bond through mind and body with her? Did they become one with her in the most perfect, private way? Did they share their life, their pain, their insecurities with her? No, and they'll never know. It's impossible for them. I don't blame them, and I don't blame her, I blame myself.

Ever since the Statue of Liberty 'incident' Jean has- _had_ been different, I tried to talk to her about it many times, but she closed her mind to me. Her powers had been increasing in strength since then, everything came so naturally to her since Magneto's attack. She didn't even have to think to move something, but with her stronger powers came bigger problems, she had been getting terrible headaches, she couldn't block other people's thoughts from her mind, it was like they were attacking and invading her and she couldn't defend herself. She was getting horrible nightmares, sometimes it woke us both through our psychic bond, I only saw snatches, but it had been enough to stop us getting back to sleep for a while. The room used to shake, things on shelves fell off the walls, things even exploding just from her distress. I should've made more of an effort to help her, gone to the Professor sooner, tried to get her help, but I guess it's the old case of could've, would've, should've. 

 Then Logan came back. I'm not stupid, even I couldn't ignore the fact that she was attracted to him, but I always trusted her, trusted that she would always stay with me, but even without Logan's interference it looks like that dream is out of the window. Something happened between them, Logan admitted he kissed her. _He _kissed _her_, she didn't reciprocate. I have never been the best of friends with Logan, anyone can see that, but I respect him, if not his strategic methods. I respect him even more for owning up to the kiss, not apologising mind you, but it was enough. Out of all the people who could sympathise, Logan can identify the most. He loved her, though he knew she would never love him back, he tried to hide it for my sake when she… when we lost her, he tried to be strong as I broke down, he held onto me and tried to tell me she was gone. But when she was gone, so was I, a part of me died that day as the water flooded over her, I don't think it will ever come back.

Oh god, here come the tears again. I was going to propose to her you know, I have the ring in my jacket pocket, I was going to do it after the Professor and I got back from visiting Magneto, but then of course I got sidetracked with the being drugged, brainwashed and trying to kill the woman I love…god if only I'd done it sooner. And to think my last conversation with her was through Professor X and I never got to kiss her one last time… at least I got to say I love you… oh god, what am I going to do without her? How am I going to be the leader that I'm supposed to be, how am I going to go on… someone's at the door, I want to tell them to go away, but right now I can't form any coherent sentences. It's Logan, dear lord, who'd have thought that Jean's death would bring us closer together, though I do wonder if perhaps Ororo or the Professor sent him up here to make sure I haven't drowned.

"C'mon shades… can't rot up here forever." He's trying to be brave, he copes the same as I do, acting as if nothing's changed. Except he's a damn sight better at it than me. He knows I've been crying, but I know that so has he. We've all shed our tears for her. Mine are just a little more desperate. It's like my whole world has been sucked up, everyone needs someone to lean on, but now I'm adrift.

"Leave me alone Logan." I can barely hear myself, my voice is smaller than a whisper. But with those animal senses of his, I know he heard me loud and clear.

"Would she want you to lock yourself away up here feeling sorry for yourself?" 

He's got me there. Jean would want me to be happy, not crying over her. But who cares what she wants? She's dead, she left me, she played hero, damn her messiah complex, I would've given anything to take her place so she could live. That's why she snuck away, locked the doors, blocked Kurt from teleporting out there, said her goodbyes. She knew we'd all try and stop her. She was my hero, the bravest person I knew. Stronger than anyone, especially me. 

"C'mon slim, don't make me drag ya, you're heavier than you look." He won't give up until I relent and go with him, and I can't stand the smell of that cigar wafting into our room… _my_ room.

I push myself up laboriously, adjusting my glasses and running a hand through my hair. 

"Don't you ever give up Logan." It's not a question, and if it was I'd know the answer anyway.

"Nuh uh. I'd offer you a beer from my stash but being that you're Mister boy scout-"

"Gimmie the best you've got." I'm not a drinker usually, unless it's being sociable, but I don't want Logan thinking I can't do anything reckless. Bastard's always trying to one-up me. 

Ha, he looks like I punched him in the balls and called his momma a whore, he's _that_ shocked. Cocky bastard, that'll show him. He digs a beer out of his jacket pocket and warily passes it to me, probably wondering if I'm gonna try and hit him with it or something. He then reluctantly gets out another from an inner jacket pocket.

"Always carry two, in case it's a bad day." He explains, reluctantly popping the second and downing half. As I take a large swig I think he half expects me to spit it out in disgust.     

As we go into the kitchen I see Kurt is still up and talking to Peter- otherwise known as Colossus- which is strange as he's usually in bed at this time of night, even though he's one of the oldest of the other students. Bobby is also up, sitting on a stool nearby and listening to the conversation, while pigging out on ice cream. I swear, we should get some pills for all these insomniacs, but of course, no-one has been sleeping easy since the attack on the academy. We're back here now, as we're told it, Professor X pulled a few strings, and now everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten that the school even exists. 

"What're you all doing up, go on, scram!" Logan glares, he's still not big with the whole group thing, or maybe he thinks that I'm very volatile and being around people will cause me to go catatonic again.

"Y'got beer in the end huh?" Bobby notes making no move to 'scram', "Got sick of Dr Pepper did you?" Logan looks like he's going to slice the kid in half, Dr Pepper- definitely not good for the 'Wolverine's' street cred. Bobby holds out his hand and Logan grudgingly hands the beer to the kid, I nod, impressed as Bobby ices it up for him and does the same for me, also giving the slightly shocked look as he realises it's a beer. I shrug, hoping I haven't disillusioned a future X-man about the infallible leader.

"Don't bother 'em Logan." I manage a smile at Kurt, who still looks twitchy about being here. "We're intruding on them, lets go to the living room."

"Ah, there's usually a full house there too, lets go outside." Logan gives me a little harder than necessary shove out into the gardens and we find the nearest bench to sit on.

He doesn't want to be the first one to start a conversation, but I'm sure as hell not going to. 

It's been about two minutes and he's lit up a new cigar, I roll my eyes behind my shades. Death sticks, Jean never did like them, I wonder if she complained after she kissed him about kissing an ashtray.

"Nice night huh?" He says gruffly, and I almost have a heart attack realising he actually did make the first attempt. Not a very good one, but an attempt nevertheless.

"Yeah. Jean would've loved it." I murmur. We used to sit looking up at the stars all the time, it was very soothing after a nightmare or a particularly bad headache. I decide not to share this with Logan, and instead I sigh.

"Do you think there's any chance she could've-" I stop myself, chiding my delusional thinking.

"If anyone could've it'd be Jean. But…"

"I know." We both tail into contemplative silence again, permeated by a sigh, in unison, which surprises us both.

"I'm sorry Scott." The words are so quiet I think I'm imagining them.

"What?" I say, turning to face him.

"I'm sorry." He says again, with effort. He opens his mouth to explain, but I cut him off.

"Thank you." I say, also quiet, but with just as much meaning. It's never been easy between us, I think he considered me his rival for Jean's affection, and I know he has a problem with my authority, just as I have a problem with his lack of respect for it. We understand each other now though, and respect each other I hope. Pride has never been an easy thing to swallow for me, but I know we've both made mistakes, and I was as much to blame as Logan was, I'm supposed to be the leader for god's sake, if I can't welcome new team members and be fair then what can I do. I suppose I was jealous, and maybe for the briefest of moments I doubted Jean's love for me, I mean who would choose the charming and terribly handsome but uptight and serious leader instead of the mysterious, rugged…hairy stranger who blows wherever the wind takes him? I always ponder what Jean saw in me. Surely women prefer the adventurous type? Whatever the reason, she chose me, as Logan told me, and I love her even more for her faithfulness, too bad I'll never get the chance to tell her.

"Alright, maybe we should stop before this turns into a Hallmark moment." I quip, it's the first joke I've made for a long time, and albeit a bad one, Logan chuckles.

"Afraid you're on candid camera?" Logan finishes off his beer with a gulp and takes a puff from his cigar. 

"Lifting your spirits outta the gutter for a minute? Will wonders never cease?" 

"I guess not. But you're right, Jean wouldn't want us to hold grudges against each other or wallow in self pity."

"You admitting I'm right?! Alright, now I know we're definitely in the Twilight Zone." Logan snorts, examining his cigar for drugs, and then tossing it on the floor and stamping on it with his boot.

"Was your trip to Alkali Lake enlightening?" I ask, having not talked to him about his discoveries due to my wallowing.

"Kinda, but I get what all those psychologists say about the mind keeping memories from your conscious for a reason, Sigmund Freud didn't know what he was onto."

"That bad huh?"

"Well when you get flashbacks of being experimented on, slicing and dicing some science geeks up and then running down tunnels naked, screaming and bloody with sharp claws coming out of your hands I think you'd be booking a couple years time on the psychologist's couch, either that or in a straitjacket."

"Well looking at you I'm thinking the strait- never mind." 

"Oh ha ha." He glares at me and I smile sheepishly.

"How about you?" He asks, and I wonder if he's just being polite as I asked him.

"Oh well the being beat up by a woman who reminded me too much of you for comfort was fun, the drugging is always good and the trying to kill the woman I love was just a blast. I had a major headache at the end of it all." I shrug. "I don't remember too much."

"That's probably for the best given Stryker's record. Y'know Shades, you're not so bad when you get some alcohol in you."

"I would say the same, except I'd be lying." I smirk and he gives me a shove but chuckles all the same.

"Wow, the hidden side of Scott Summers that only comes out to play at night."

"Yeah, now you see what Jean saw in me."

"God I hope not, I don't think I'm quite that drunk."

"You're a dick Logan."

"So're you Scott."

We fall back into silence, contemplating the conversation, which I must admit, I never expected to have with Logan, but he's right, the wonders never cease. It'll be a lot easier not battling with him all the time over every trivial thing, but somehow I think he'll keep up the routine of being an ass around me just for show, after all, I don't think the others are quite ready for a Cyclops/Wolverine friendship. Maybe one day.

"Well, it's getting late." He yawns, probably a little uncomfortable that he stopped being an ass for a moment, after all, he has a reputation to maintain.

"You're right, and you need your beauty sleep." I smirk as he growls again, 

"Look Summers, just because I'm not busting your balls all the time, don't think this is the start of our beautiful friendship, you're still a dick. Just a little better as a drunk one." There is humour in his voice and I know he's bullshitting, but I'll let him have his fun for now. 

"Sure Logan, keep telling yourself that. You know you love me really." I quip and he groans and shoves me as I stand, almost throwing me into a bush.

"You're such a dick Scott." He repeats as he works the kinks out of his back and starts to walk towards the mansion. "Take care of yourself Shades, don't go gettin into any trouble." He murmurs, just loud enough for me to hear it.

"You too Logan." I say, when he's out of earshot. 

I start to make my way back to the mansion, contemplating the day. I won't give up hope that Jean's alive, I can still feel her around me- though that could be a delusion from a grieving mind- but even if she isn't, in some way she helped Logan and I come to some understanding. Maybe one day we could even be friends, not anytime soon of course, but tomorrow is another day, and with or without Jean I'll always have someone to lean on, and in the end I'll always be an X-Man. 

*

Sappy? Crappy? You tell me, this didn't end up as what I intended it, but I think it's okay at least, feedback is adored, I'll give you cookies? *puppy dog eyes* this is my first X2 fic and my first X-Men fic in a long while so don't be *too* harsh, though constructive criticism is always appreciated. I'll stop making excuses and end the fic now, Thanks for reading this far!

xXx


	2. Logan: If I could Have Her Tonight

If I Could Have her Tonight 

A.N: After a debate with my muse and a bit of consideration, I've decided to make this a POV fic for all the X-Men, as Jean's sacrifice affected everyone, so I've decided to use all the central characters in the movie, one for each chapter, I thought it would be unique, as I haven't read a story which deals with everyone's thoughts separately. Oh and as I didn't mention it before, major spoilers for X2 *blush* not that that's much help now, I hope everyone's seen it!

Summary: Scott isn't the only man who loved Jean and lost a part of himself when she died, Logan tries to come to terms with his grief, and attempts to express himself in the form of a letter.

*

All of a sudden she  
was on my mind  
I wasn't ready for her kind  
And she was taking her time.

Lately I've found myself  
losing my mind  
Knowing how badly I need her  
It's something hard to find.

If I could have her tonight  
Does she want to go?  
Look at those eyes  
Does she want it?  
If I could have her tonight

If I Could Have Her Tonight- Neil Young

*

Man I feel _stupid_ doing this, damn Professor X, thinks I have unexpressed grief issues, and holing 'em up inside my hairy hide will be damaging emotionally. I wonder if he's charging for these pearls of wisdom these days, I didn't even have to sit on the therapists couch, what a bargain.

Okay, where to begin (man this is lame) I'm supposed to write a letter, not specifically _to_ anyone, just to…reveal my feelings or somethin. I'm not particularly good at this kinda crap, it's more of a girly thing to do, but the Prof insisted, and I'd hate to disappoint, who knows what good it'll do me.

It all started at Alkali Lake, in more ways than one, I had a very happy experience 15 years ago that I'm only starting to remember (and right now I wish I didn't) which turned me into the metal monster I am on the inside today, but we went back there recently, me and the 'X-Men'- I still don't really consider myself one of them, as I don't really stick around long enough for them to stick a uniform on me- and it happened…we lost her.

Lost her…ha ha, it sounds so cheap, like we misplaced her or somethin, Jean Grey, the only woman I've ever truly… well I think I loved her. No, I know I did, but she could never love me back, 'least not in the way I wanted. She wanted to 'marry the good guy' ugh, it's _always_ the good guys, am I really that bad? True I'm a bit wild, I'm not very dependable, but hey, I could be loyal if I wanted to. I would've been anything for her. I look at Shades, and I know he would've done the same, he would've died for her if he could, all of us would. Couldn't help but love Jean, it was just her nature, gentle, understanding, modest, beautiful. Jeeze I sound like a greeting card, but that's truly how Jean made me feel, she made me a better person just by being near me, she brought out the best in all of us. Scott is like a zombie, I tried to avoid him like the plague until the Professor lectured the rest of us on helping share the burden of his grief, of course he took it the hardest, he's loved the girl forever, he just never had the balls to say it for a while. Poor guy, emotional train wreck wouldn't be the half of it, and yet he still tries to be the leader, buries it all inside himself and only lets it out when he's alone, which unfortunately seems to be a lot right now. Maybe we're not so different after all. 

I talked to him last night, we reached some kinda understanding, _while_ taking the piss outta each other of course, the guy can be alright once he's got some alcohol in him, I guess I misjudged him, and I betcha he thinks he's misjudged me, probably thinks I'm a bigger dick than he first imagined. Ororo is handling with her trademark grace, gotta say, she looks a little cosy with the 'incredible Nightcrawler' our resident German teleporter. Kurt's alright, he's very intimidated by me hehe, keeps his head down when I come into the room, cute, I like bein' the mysterious, dangerous hard man, it keeps people at a distance quite well I reckon. That was always the intention anyway, even though the mystery enticed Jean, and god knows what attracted Rogue to steal away in my truck that first night. Its her fault I'm in all this X-crap, but I can't be angry with her, these guys have found something worth fighting for, they've chosen their side, they're fighting for a better world for all of us and with it I've met some of the most incredible people anyone could hope to know, not to mention Jean. 

When I saw her, though I must say I smelled her first- vanilla musk and lilies, her scent is still with me clear as day- I knew she was beautiful, and my heart did that corny little flipflop that everyone blabs about in cheesy movies, but I really did feel like that, butterflies in stomach, the works. Its always the beautiful, intelligent ones that are either taken or homicidal, Scott knows how lucky he was to have her, and I can't hate him for it, she chose him, she loved him, no matter what, I gotta accept that now. And I think I do, or I'm starting to, hearing him talk about her, the way he still looks up hopefully when a door opens or the Professor moves something with his mind, its awful, I doubt the guy will ever recover from it. Maybe he should write a letter to get his 'feelings out' so he doesn't cause himself 'emotional damage'- though he finds it easier to cry than I do, he's not ashamed to sob his heart out, you can hear it breaking every time, its like a guy who's lost his entire world.

It was so hard, watching her go like that, we all thought it wasn't true, we couldn't believe Jean was dead, she's Jean for gods sake, there had to have been another way there _had _to. If only we'd had more time. I never had any clue how powerful Jean really was, she hid it so well, though from what I've heard a lot had changed since I set off for Alkali Lake. Every song I hear on the radio seems to remind me of her these days, missed chances and forbidden love, its all so cheesy but when it comes to Jean, it doesn't really matter, I can be a softy at heart, I just wont tell anyone. Jeeze I'm gonna have to destroy this letter when I'm done, pity John took off or he coulda burnt it for me, I wonder what was so great about the Magnet's side anyway, that kid's gonna have a lot to adjust to, I wouldn't trust Magneto as far as I could throw him. 

The Prof keeps saying a war is coming. I can't imagine fighting it without Jean at my side, it all sounds too ominous. I think we convinced the President, but that doesn't stop the rest of the world from despising us, there are more like Stryker out there, and sooner or later they're gonna come and bite us in the ass. No-one really wants to admit how close we were to losing everything, the mansion, the kids, our secrecy, our lives, we're safe for now, but for how long? I don't think Jean is gonna be the only casualty in this war when it comes…

God, why is it so hard to even think her name, let alone write it? I've never felt like this before, I don't know how to handle it, I keep myself away from people as a rule, don't let 'em get too close, and yet Jean had a way of getting under my skin, right down past my adamantium bones into my heart. Crap, sounding like a Hallmark special again, yuck, yup definitely have to burn this, can't have my sappy side leaking out. That was that damned Jean too, I'd never have been such a sap without her influence, not that its necessarily a bad thing- behind closed doors of course! Aint like I'm gonna start writing love poems and take up ballet or anythin I s'pose, though I do have the urge to pirouette around the room in revealing spandex… just shittin ya. Ouch, _man_ do I have a headache, gettin shot in the head really takes it outta ya, even though it was a couple days ago now. It must be a sign of old age or somethin. It was weird fightin Deathstryke, seeing a woman who had the same powers as me, I didn't think it was possible, maybe if things had been different we could've been friends, we had a lot in common I suppose, but that mind control brain washing crap can really put a damper on a good relationship, what with the homicidal tendencies and all.

I am starting to think I need a few beers, all this mushy stuff is making me nauseous, being friends and being in love, a couple months ago I would've laughed in my own face and punched myself in the stomach if I'd told myself I'd turn like this in a couple months, strange what time does to ya, or in my case, what time doesn't seem to do to me but does to everyone else. I've decided I don't care what was so awful 'bout my past, when it comes to bite me in the ass I'll face it head on, like all my challenges, whatever is so awful about my past that my screwed up mind is repressing, it can all stay there right now, I've got a few more responsibilities now, I think I'll definitely be sticking around, specially with everyone feeling the after shock of Jean… tell ya what, lets leave it at that, I've already poured my heart and soul into this damned letter, and y'know, I kinda feel better, though I sure as hell aint admitting that to the Prof later, thanks for listenin bub, it helped me out, even though you're a piece of paper and all, it's creepy that I'm even talking to ya. Now, where's that lighter…

*

This kinda took on a life of its own, which is good, I hope I stayed true to Wolverine's character, it didn't really go in the direction I expected, but that's always a good sign when it takes itself in a good direction, I hope it was good anyway, please review! Tell me what you think, next up will be Storm, and after that I reckon Rogue.

Thanks for reading this far, hope to see you at chapter 3 and on the reviews page! (hehe, I'm subtle huh?)

xXx


End file.
